I feel like there are about a hundred things running through my head. Yesterday was a bit of a day for me. Again with the emotional “I have no idea what is going on” thing. I’m kind of getting tired of myself, if that makes any sense. It has me thinking about control though. In the midst of talking through stuff Chris told me that he noticed I’d been letting the little things get at me. It’s so true. That will be the thing that will do you in if you let it. This is where the control issue enters. If a person feels that they can’t control anything going on around them, they still try to grab on to something and that can be so destructive. Just look at the basis for any addiction. Control, or lack of rather. I feel like I have very little control right now. Over anything. So it would make sense in my head that I would try to grab onto the littlest things and in turn get annoyed/frustrated/angry when they don’t work out the way I want. I know this isn’t healthy, and that eventually I’ll drive myself crazy. I also know that eventually I’ll have to give up and admit defeat and start over from a place of being okay in the midst of chaos. In my heart, and from past experiences, I know that’s the place I should start from, rather that get to.
I’ve been battling the loss of independence. That’s something I did’t expect and because of that it’s been not so fun. How does a person who was responsible for themselves, had free access to transportation, a good paying job, the freedom to do what they wanted, when they wanted, figure out how to do life in a country where things are just the opposite. If I want to go anywhere (which there really aren’t many options of in the first place) I have to plan ahead and allow enough time to catch a tap tap. I get harrassed by men wherever I go with them telling me that they want to marry me or asking me why I don’t love them. I’m trying to figure out how to be married and share finances, when I have to rely on my husband to give me money because we’re in the third world and banking is frustrating. It’s not always safe for me to be out on my own, and there are times when I still feel afraid (yes, even after almost a year of being here) to be on my own. Oh, and I don’t understand half of what people are telling me. Someone may be telling me not to go around a corner because a crazy man with a gun is there, and I would probably smile and say, “Okay, mesi” and wander around the corner! (Sorry Mom, that was just an example. I don’t really think I would wander around a corner to hang out with a gun carrying man.)
I’m trying to figure out how I fit into the mission picture too. When I came here last fall I thought I knew exactly what it would look like. Ha ha. Exactly and ministry should never be thought of in the same sentece. I was supposed to be taking on tons of administration and looking after the spiritual care of our staff (I have a pastoral background). Okay, administration I can do, however, the tons turned out to be not so labour intensive. This means I have to make work for myself from time to time. The spiritual leadership part. Hmmm. How do you lead people that don’t want to be lead? How do you lead people when they rarely understand a word you say? I still don’t have the answers to this. For now I putter through each week. There are so many things I want to learn and understand and be able to do, I think I just get overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. That and the heat zaps me of my motivation.
I wish life made more sense some days. I know it’s not supposed to though. If it did I wouldn’t need God. Deep down, under all the stuff, I’m glad it doesn’t make sense right now because I feel like God is taking me through a season of learning. Learning to let go. Learning to trust. Learning to pray. Learning to find joy. Learning to be humble. Learning to be broken. Learning. I have no idea how long this season is going to last or what things will be like when I come out of it. I do know that I need to walk through it. And that I need patience.
“Life is not always what one wants it to be, but to make the best of it as it is, is the only way of being happy.”