I’m feeling cranky this morning. I have not idea why, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It was really overcast when we got up and so nice and cool which is always a treat. It is starting to clear a bit, but I’m hoping for some rain at some point in the next 24 hours.
Chris and I spent the weekend hanging out around home. We went to visit our neighbors on Saturday evening and I had a really good chat with their daughter. She’s a year older than I am so we’re starting to find more in common which is such a gift to me because Chris and I are the youngest missionaries in a 45 minute radius and I miss talking to women my own age. Don’t get me wrong, I love the people that we have around us – sometimes I just need a woman who knows what it’s like to be almost 30 and living here.
Suki is the first Haitian that I’ve talked to that was willing to talk about the things she sees in her culture that most people don’t either want to see or talk about. It was really different having someone else tell me that they see that the people have given up hope in some senses and that she’s sad because she still sees so many people living like slaves, even though Haitians have been free for over 200 years. It’s a long conversation that means a lot of explaining and could offend some, so I won’t go into much more detail than that. It was just very different for me to have someone, a Haitian, who was brought up in their culture, say the same things that I often think in my head. I feel like there’s a younger generation of Haitians that are seeing things through different eyes and are wanting to see change in their country. I’m hoping that’s the case anyway.
We also talked about things like future plans and having a family and how your outlook on things changes once you bring kids into the mix. Suki and her husband have one daughter and another baby on the way. Some days I feel like a scared child when I think about having a family here and raising my kids in a place where I would be afraid to let them go play in the neighborhood for various reasons. I was glad to learn that I wasn’t alone in thinking about stuff like this and was reassured that I was a normal female. I remember how differently I thought when I had moved here and was single. In the back of my mind there was always the way out clause that read: “In the event of any major emergency or difficult circumstances you can always get on a plane and leave.” That changes a lot when you say “I do” and have to think about someone else.
There have been many hard days here for me since we got married, and I think a lot of it can be chalked up to not trusting. Before we got married I was only responsible for myself and could do whatever I felt God was telling me to do, without having to consult anyone else or worry about what someone else was thinking or feeling was best. Now Chris and I have to make decisions together, naturally. That doesn’t always come naturally though, especially since we’re two very different people and see things through very different eyes. There are things that Chris has gone through and processed in the last few years, that I haven’t or may never go through. There are things that I’ve been going through and processing that Chris will never understand. Somewhere in the middle is the best for us and God’s plan for our lives.
I can’t just hop on a plane and leave anymore if things are hard or scary. I guess I could but, I would rather know that my husband and I were in things together. That’s a hard thing to work through. I DO think about when we have a family and find myself already starting to panic about things that I really shouldn’t be worrying about right now. Seriously, some days it’s crazy. Like driving down the road and thinking, “When we have kids we’re going to shake them to death from driving around here!” Welcome to my head. It’s a crazy place.
I spent some good time in prayer just over a week ago and gave many things over to God. Things that I had been holding onto for a long time. Things that I had no control over. I have no idea when we’ll have kids or what state the country is going to be in when they arrive, so it’s kind of senseless to be worrying about stuff now. I have no idea how long we’re going to live here, so there’s no point in stressing out about what the picture might look like down the road, and mourning all of the things that I think I’m giving up to be here. The bottom line is that God is the only one that gets to dictate what all of that looks like. I believe that he has a plan for me, for us. My part in it is thinking about the things that are in front of me every day and leaving everything after that to Him.
When I was praying God started talking to me and as I listened the thing that He was very clearly saying was, “It really doesn’t matter.” I realized that He was right, it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what plans we may make or what things I think about or worry about because in the end it’s going to be what He wants it to be. If I believe that God has a plan for us, that He loves us and that he wants the best for us, then my job is to rest in that and trust that. I DO believe all of those things, but I need to remember to claim those daily and to rest daily, something that I won’t ever claim to do well.