I’m feeling chaotic inside, if that makes any sense. It’s the result of a combination of things I think. I realized, once again, yesterday that I don’t like not being liked. I don’t like it when I feel like people are upset with me or I fall out of favor with them. I am a people pleaser, I’ll admit it. I’ve known it for a long time and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t generally do things just for the sake of making other people like me more. I can stand up for myself. I do stand up for myself and what I think is right. I just don’t like the feeling of knowing that they might not like my response and in turn treat me differently.
That whole combination – the not wanting to not be liked mixed with sometimes having to not be liked – is a tough one when you’re in a position of leadership. There will be and are times where we have to say “no” not because it’s the most fun thing to do, but because it’s the best thing for us and the mission.
Yesterday we had to lay down some boundaries with someone because of a lot of stuff that had happened. Boundaries are good. They are needed. They provide accountability and space to feel what we’re feeling. Sometimes they aren’t fun. Yesterday was one of those situations because the individual, no matter how clear we were about how we felt and our reasons, still deep down didn’t “get it”. I don’t like how that makes me feel because I want them to “get it”, but I know that we’ve done our part by being honest and expressing our needs and feelings, and now it’s their stuff. Maybe they won’t ever get it or understand, but that’s not my issue. It’s theirs. The thing I need to do now is move on and trust that si Bondye vle (if God wants), they will eventually gain understanding and maybe learn something. Then again, maybe they won’t. Not my problem. The whole situation made me feel frustrated though because I don’t want to not be liked, and by talking to this person I set myself up for that. BUT, the thing is, why am I worried about being liked or not liked by someone who has hurt and offended me? Twisted.
There’s another situation with another individual here that I’m struggling with. I don’t know how to love this person through their stuff. And it is their stuff. There are so many cultural things tied up in it that I will never understand. I know all I can do is what I’ve been doing and continue to treat them with the same love and respect that I treat others around here with. It’s so hard to be able to take a step back and see how things like pride and lack of education can affect relationships so directly and lead to more misunderstanding, and yet feel like there is nothing that I can really do to change that because there has to be a willingness on the part of the other individual, and when other attempts have been made it was very clear that was lacking.
All of that combined with the fact that I’m starting to get that feeling that sets in with renovations and continuous work in the places you’re trying to live in started to settle in big time last night. I hate cleaning up after other people, and I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing for the last three months. Every time we have one of the workers in the house to work on something, I’m the one that gets to put everything back and clean up after them. Chris got frustrated with the amount of junk around the yard a couple weeks ago and finally realized it’s because people will do the work, but not pick up after themselves. I think we need to start a revolution.
Barb commented on the fact that I’m NESTING. I think she’s right. We’re adopting, but I’m going through regular first time parent freak out, which I’m assuming is normal. I look around at all the unfinished stuff and want it finished now. Not next week, not next month, not by December – NOW. On top of all that I’ve got lists of stuff running through my head that we need to get and am trying to figure out who brings what in and when. We can get some stuff here, but it can be pricey, and since we have the same income as one person working part time at Starbucks, we’re going to go with Option B and bring in as much as possible.
The mission stuff wiggles it’s way in there too and gets me doing the internal panic. We have exactly two weeks until our calendar has us going full speed ahead until, well, probably December. The end of this month brings a training class and several workshops. August brings a visiting team, while trying to recover and collect ourselves after a busy two weeks. Then we leave. When we come back it’ll be things like unpacking the container, painting the inside of our house (more ladders – ugh!), a much anticipated volunteer arrives, two weeks of Vision Trips, my parents are visiting…oh, and we have a mission to run and filters to build, deliver and install. Not to mention all the projects we need to finish.
I am feeling overwhelmed. I appologize for the vent. Actually I don’t. This is my blog and I can write whatever I want, and it was needed :) I know I need to step back, take a few deep breaths and tackle things one at a time. And just deal with the fact that things will be chaotic and frustrating, but God hasn’t given us anything we can’t handle. That’s a beautiful truth.