I hate how long it takes for me to learn things sometimes. Or the fact that I never really seem to learn them all the way and need to revisit them. Like asking for help. That’s the big lesson of the week. How many times have I been here before? I can’t remember. It’s been too many to count.
Yesterday I finally gave in and decided that it was time to have Yonese come in one extra day a week to clean the house. Saying that makes me feel like I’m a lousy house keeper, but I know I’m not. There’s just way too much going on right now. Not to mention that because our house is wide open and we have a dog it is always dirty. I can sweep and mop and 30 minutes later I sigh because there’s a pile of sand where the dog was lying. I give up! House – you win!
Chris and I had talked about taking this step a few weeks ago, again – not because I’m a lousy housekeeper, but because we know things are getting busier and that the extra help would let me focus my attention elsewhere and still not feel like I’m working all the time. I was wanting to wait a bit longer, but why. Really? Why? So I can feel more and more frustrated? I’m done with that. I realized there was a big problem yesterday when Chris asked why I was so stressed out about the renovations/work on the new kitchen doorway. He made a good point – we knew it was going to be a mess and inconvenient for a day or two, so there’s no point in getting upset. He’s right. No point. I however saw the cement flying, and boy was it flying, and started having nightmares of grinding cement off our tile floors. Turns out you could rub it off with the toe of your shoe when it was dry. The big thing for me was looking around the house and seeing dust and cement on everything and knowing it was me who was going to be cleaning it up. For anyone who knows me well you know that doesn’t lead to an isolated incident – it sort of weeds it’s way into other things and affects how I feel on a bigger scale.
I’ll be honest. I’m tired and the fact that we’re one month and six days away from our vacation is settling in fast. I wasn’t sure how long it was going to take, but it has arrived. Considering that until January I had been in and out of the country about every 3 months, 7 1/2 without seeing home soil is a good run :) I know the next month is going to mean reminding ourselves that we need to just keep plugging away. There will be times where that’s hard because we have a training class, implementor’s workshop, a visiting group, and some friends coming and going before we leave. All of those things mean work and loss of privacy and personal time. It’s going to mean stepping back and taking a breath and taking time to care for ourselves so that we can give to others. Step one for me is handing over the broom to Yonese on Monday or Tuesday and starting a weekly routine.
I have a lot of friends who have taught me and encouraged me to practice self care. Things like knowing your boundaries and making some. Stepping back and taking a breath so you can see where you’re really at with things. Talking about how you’re feeling. Resting. Talking to God about stuff. All of it is so important, I think especially here, and yet it seems to be the hardest for me to practice and remember. If I’m not taking care of myself it will affect my outlook on things, my marriage, my relationships with everyone around me and my work.
So this is me today… I will let someone else clean my house so I can spend more time caring for my husband and myself, and enjoying the time when I’m not working. I will ask for help and admit that I can’t do it all on my own. I know because I’ve tried, and don’t feel like I’ve failed, just that it’s not worth stressing out about. I am looking forward to having someone else come in so that I can do other things, things I enjoy doing like reading or sewing. I’m looking forward to getting into a routine of knowing someone else is coming in before we have a baby in the house so that when it does arrive I know there are things I don’t have to worry about. I’m looking forward to knowing someone will be helping me keep our living and work space functional so we can do just that, and spend more time focusing on visitors etc when they are here, rather than feeling like I’m juggling too many balls.
Like I said, sometimes lessons are hard to learn.