**Disclaimer: For those of you that like to think of me as a well put together individual – you should stop reading right now.
If you would have been eating dinner with us last night you would have been dining with a blubbering mess. Me, being said blubbering mess. Why? How much time do you have?
I think the heat got the ball rolling. Actually there was a very distinct point yesterday afternoon where I started to melt down. I remember it clearly. I think.
The mosquitoes have been nothing but HORRENDOUS. I can deal with the regular ankle biters and annoying armpit nibbles. It’s when they turn into neck-nose-finger-ear-eye mongers that I get pushed over the edge. I was not the only one that had a bad, not so patient reaction to them last night at dinner. I saw Chris quickly disintegrate before my eyes. Last night the mosquitoes won. They had me in tears and Chris running around the house with toxic bug spray because inhaling the fumes was better than being bitten another billion times.
The straw that broke the camels back was the couch. Chris’ allergies are still acting up and he asked if we could pull the cover off and wash down the frame with bleach etc, then put the cover back on. I started crying at that point. I resent the couch. I resent his allergies. I hate that I do. I know he can’t help it. I know it drives him crazy too. I resent them because they make life frustrating and hard. I want to kick my feet, cry and whine. Too many times I do. Last night I did. It’s dumb, I know. It was just in there with everything else and got to be the last little bit on the pile before everything fell.
Yesterday I finally hit my wall where I know I need a break. I’m feeling tired. The heat is getting unbearable. The mosquitoes are making things miserable. We are getting busy. I have been here for 7 months straight. I know some people do it for more than a year and maybe at some point I will too, but right now I’m tired and I wanna go home! Waaahhhh.
Chris let me blubber last night. He knows me well enough to know that I just need to get it out. Then he reminded me that we (oh yeah, I’m not in this alone) will get through this and have a good holiday. Sigh. I dried my eyes, took a shower and hid under our mosquito net where we soothed ourselves by taunting the little monsters from our safe haven while watching Jack Bower save the world. It was the only thing we had the energy for last night. At 8:30 I rolled over and fell asleep. I slept harder and deeper than I have in a long time and realized that sometimes the only thing you can do is give in. That sometimes you have to turn into a blubbering mess so you can get to that point of exhaustion and finally rest.
This morning a couple visitors stopped by to hand over some parts for a well drilling rig we look after. They’re coming back in November with a big team and when Chris told them that we’re adopting early next year they told us to have a list of stuff we need ready this afternoon when they stop by again so they can load up their luggage and love on us in the fall. The whole thing is such a huge blessing and a little funny for us. We were talking about what we needed a week or so ago and Chris said, “Leslie, people will give us stuff that they’re done with.” My response? “Chris, everyone we know has either given their stuff away or is at the same stage we are and will be using it!” Today I let him do the “I told you so” thing. I was wrong.
I know something I’ve always had a hard time with is letting people help me. It’s much easier for me to be the helper. It’s hard for me to put together a list of stuff for total strangers without thinking “Is this frivolous? Will they think we’re greedy?” Do babies need something to sleep on? Yes. Do babies need clothes? Yes. Do babies need to be looked after? Yes. So the basics to do that are not frivolous. The list is made, I will hand it over, then I will do what I know God wants me to do – let go of it and let it be what He wants it to be. If these people want to love us this way then my part in it is not to decide how much or to limit them, it’s to accept it, let them bless us and say thanks.
I’m going to go take this blessed body to bed, lay under a fan and have a good, deep nap. The laundry and 150 pages of laminating will still be there later.