I haven’t been blogging much lately. I think it was the coming down from a month of craziness and just feeling like I have nothing to say. I’m not sure that I have anything to say today, but I’ll just start writing and see what happens. I call this the “I don’t want them to start flogging me” plan. I know how you blog addicts can get without your fix.
Tomorrow we have our Home Study for our adoption dossier. It has me feeling nervous. Not because I think they’ll give us a bad review, but because it’s making the whole adoption thing so much more real. Yes, we’ve been getting our dossier together, but that’s just paperwork. Yes, we’ve been getting stuff together, but that’s just stuff until we have someone to use it with/on/for. The Home Study is something we have to physically do. Deep down the whole idea of having to prove to a perfect stranger that we’d make good parents still seems so not right to me. How many parents in North America are parents and probably shouldn’t be but didn’t have to prove that to anyone in advance? Sigh.
The closer we get to next month and possible Gotcha Day the more full of crazy mixed up feelings I find rolling around inside me. Last week I broke down crying one night because the excitement and fear crashed into each other. WE ARE GOING TO BE PARENTS. Soon. I don’t know when, but soon.
Sometimes I think, “Are we on the right track here? Should we be doing this?” Then I get affirmation. Today was one of those days. I’ve been contacting the Canadian Embassy about information for some paperwork we need from Canada for the adoption. I started contacting them in October. And again last month. And again last week. At one point I had been copied on an interdepartmental email asking one person to get in touch with me about my request. Nothing. I shared my frustration at our missionary meeting on Sunday and Gary prayed and thanked God that someone was going to call me this week. Not next week. Not send an email. Call me this week. I sent another email yesterday. I was thinking about it this morning. I have felt totally out of control, and I know it won’t be the last time through this whole thing, but it is what it is. After lunch today I got a phone call from the Embassy. We are already going into town tomorrow. Now we have a meeting with the lady we need to speak to and she is very enthusiastic about getting us all the information that we need. God just did.
I know this whole adoption process is going to rip us to shreds at times. It already has. Sometimes it’s just the fact that we have no clue what we’re doing, but who does when they start down this road? It’s like the great adoption equalizer – throw yourself into the pit and see if you can come out relatively sane after who knows how many questions and how long it takes.
So, tomorrow is Home Study day and meeting at the Embassy day. It’s a big day. After our Home Study we only have 2 things left for our dossier. Two things. Then we’re ready. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling all crazy and woozy. What was this big list is now reduced to two things. And then we jump in. And once we jump in there is absolutely no turning back. None.
That’s all I can handle writing about right now. I’ll try to post after we get back to let you know how the meetings went.