When Blogging Becomes Therapy

I feel like I don’t know where to start today. I had a heck of a time dragging myself out of bed this morning and I don’t know if I was just over tired or if it was the ibuprofen. My back is hurting again. I seem to not have enough patience to let it get completely better before I go and do something, like move a metal planter. You know, that kind of lift, lean it against your body, and then wiggle across the yard thing. Yeah. Dumb, I know. So now I hurt again. Super dumb.

For anyone that knows me well there’s this thing that sometimes happens. I kind of let things, I mean emotions, brew. Then sometimes they just sort of blow up. The remedy for this is of course talking about it before the geyser goes off. I journaled a bit yesterday. It’s times like this though were I miss my family and friends, the people I would just normally dump on.

I’m having a hard time waiting for Baby. Surprise, surprise. But, I’m not liking how I’m having a hard time. I was so excited before. I’m still excited, but I feel like the excitement is tarnished. Do all adoptive parents go through this at some point? I would imagine that they do. And, I hate that the feelings that I have deep down are wandering around, things like feeling indifferent. Annoyed. Unenthusiastic. I also know that maybe they’re just there to protect myself from disappointment. After the close call with the baby up north, I realized how crazy my head can get, how easy it is to go there – to that place of thinking “it’s happening!” Sigh. I don’t want to be unenthusiastic. I don’t want to be indifferent. I don’t want to be impatient.

I want to be a mom.

Sometimes I get annoyed with Haiti. And life here. Just simply because so many things here revolve around waiting. I feel like we’re always in this holding pattern, and that whenever we get excited about something, about an idea of something, we forget that we should just automatically factor in a waiting period. A period where you eventually become indifferent and things become anti-climactic. Seriously. Take the container contents. Chris dropped everything off in June. We spent 6 months just hoping the thing would ship. Now it’s here. We’re waiting for a signature to release the contents (oh yeah – container update: we’re waiting for a signature to release the contents) and then maybe sometime this week we’ll be able to pick things up. When we were first getting stuff for the container it was really exciting. We were always talking about how much better things would be/how some of that stuff would change the mission when it go here. Now that it’s so close I feel like we’re both at this, “Meh!” place where we just feel like it’s taken so long for stuff to even get close to us that we’ve lost all enthusiasm for it.

Now, I think I need to share that I know that when the container stuff gets released, and we get it all here and unpack, we will be excited again. We’ll be very excited. I know the same thing will be true for the baby. I’m just at the place where every time I look in the baby’s room and see all of the stuff we’ve collected so that we can be ready, that I just want to pack it away and bring it out once the baby gets here, but then we wouldn’t be ready. And I know, that when we get the call, it’ll be in the moment that we least expect it, when we’re off doing other things and living life and we’ll be very excited and I’ll go through that whole gamut of stuff all over again, the stuff of wondering if we’re really ready.

This is just how I feel right now. Blah. Maybe tomorrow will bring something else. Right now you get blah. I wonder if I would feel differently if we had a date (an impossibility, I know), like “You will have a baby on Feb. 5th.” Would I feel different if I could plan it? I feel jealous of expectant mothers who have a due date. Yep, I do. At least there’s a ball park range to shoot for. And these days, if the date comes and goes, there’s room for human intervention. With us, we just have to wait with no date in sight. It’s a really big ball park. John said the only thing we can do now is wait and pray, and we are. And I’ve been encouraged to see how things have come together. For us it’s been an affirmation that we are doing what God wants for our family. We have everything here that we need. It all miraculously fit in suitcases and got here. We have all the money that we need. That feels like an amazing miracle when you live like we do. The only thing missing is Baby herself.

I know (I seem to know a lot today) that God has got her story all figured out. Her story and how her story connects to our story. I know that he’s writing that right now. I know that he’s with her and her Mom and that whatever they’re living in will be what leads her to us. I know that our baby girl is going to be beautiful and amazing and so very loved. I can’t wait to meet her. Can you pray for us? I know you already are, but really specifically for our baby and her story. And for the wait.

Chris has been busy in the last week, which is good. It means he’s feeling better. He’s kind of back in his groove where he feels happy and like he’s accomplishing things. There’s actually a lot just hanging in the rafters waiting to start. In the last two weeks our guys have started working on the solar panel stand. We get the panels in April to go up in May, and we need to have the stand ready for them. It’s going to be quite a feat of engineering. We have some really big trees in the work yard, a rarity for Haiti that will not be cut down. Because of that we need to get the panels up high enough so they get full sun most of the day. This means that two of the posts will be 30 feet high and two will be 25 so we get the right angle. It’s actually amazing to see how they do it. I think anyone that complains about construction projects in the first world needs to go to the third world to see how bare bones it is and what they can accomplish with basic methods.

Once the container gets released and we get the stuff we’ll be able to start training our welder. That’s a big deal because we’ve been waiting on that for 7 months. We only have 4 molds left in our yard, compared to 18 last summer. We’ve had to sell the others off to projects needing them and still have people waiting. We also need to do a training, something we’ve been wanting to do since last fall, but can’t until we have molds. We don’t train students unless they have all the equipment available to start their project right away.

Last night we got the go ahead to do two other major things. The first is that we get to buy a new mission vehicle. Yes, we just got a truck a while ago, but it’s a work truck. We’ve sold the KIA truck so now we have the two Daihatsus and the VW. Only one of those has seat belts – the old Daihatsu. The Daihatsus are great for work because they’re strong, but because they’re so strong they’re back breakers. You seriously hurt after a day on Haiti roads and I’ve hit my head on the inside more times than I can count. It doesn’t seem to matter how slow you drive the thing, the bumps are still horendous. The new van will mean that we don’t have to put visitors, or ourselves, in the back of the truck anymore. It also means that we can strap a car seat in, and because it’ll have air conditioning Chris won’t be having asthma attacks after a day trip to Port. It’s a huge blessing! The mission is in a great financial place right now so we can move ahead with some of these projects. We’re hoping to buy the van in the next couple weeks because they have them in stock.

The other MAJOR project is the dorm building. Right now our dorms have one level with two rooms, two bathrooms and can sleep about 18. We have a new volunteer coming in May/June (yay!) for the long haul and we’ve needed proper volunteer staff housing for a while. Our plan is to add a second level to the dorms and build a staff apartment there with two bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen and living/dining area so that our volunteers have a place of their own and our family can keep the mission house/office area. In order to build the second level we need to demolish the first one and start all over again. It’s not strong enough to hold a second storey – it already has big cracks in the walls as is. We’re hoping to start that early next month so we can get the first storey rebuilt with a cement roof by May. We’ll do the second phase of construction in the fall/winter.

So yes, there are many things going on around here. I think that’s part of my problem. There are a lot of things going on, but most of them are “boy” things – stuff that keeps Chris busy. I’ve done that intentionally, kind of cleared my calendar of anything but the essential work that I do for the mission because I know that when the baby does come I’m not going to have time for much. So, I don’t want to go and take extra things on just to fill my time, only so I have to try and figure out what to do with them later. It’s kind of a crazy place to be in. So, here I am, just waiting and trying to find things to occupy myself.

One thing that I’ve started doing in the last few days is swimming in the afternoons. We had a really beautiful weekend and after reading some magazines passed on to me about coastal living it was like I had a lightning bold hit me, again, about the fact that we live where we live. I think sometimes we feel guilty that we live in a really adorable house on the beach in the Caribbean. Really, our place is very unique and everyone that sees is tells us so. We have a lawn that’s coming in nicely. We have a great big hammock in the yard. A white, rickety, character filled fence. Big trees. Beautiful ocean breeze. The neighbors are much more friendly now. Life is not bad. We’re not suffering, that’s for sure. In fact, we feel very blessed that we get to live here and do what we do. It’s a great life. This weekend, the weather was just the right temperature, the ocean was amazing shades of blue and aqua, the breeze was blowing and I spent most of the weekend on the deck absorbing magazines. I went for a leisurely swim each afternoon, mostly for my back pain, but also just because I don’t do that enough. I don’t take the time to really enjoy what God has given us. I think sometimes it’s easy to be a missionary and feel like you have to deliberately deprive yourself of things, but when God plunks you in a place, I think he means for you to enjoy it. I want our home to feel like a home, not just this place we live in. I want us to love where we live. I think we’re doing that more everyday while trying to keep focused on what we’re doing.

We also had a very social weekend. We went to visit friends in Montrouis and play cards on Friday night which was fun. They have a beautiful place on the beach as well and we always enjoy having “tea” with them. Saturday more friends from Port came out and we spent both Saturday and Sunday evening with them. They also brought their whole group over on Sunday so those that hadn’t been to our place could get a tour. We all chilled out on the patio and devoured the mango pie that I made the day before for just such an occasion. The mangoes are starting to ripen like crazy on our trees and we had a 5 gallon bucket full of them on Friday so I made two pies and a few jars of mango butter. Yum! See, loving where we live!

This entry was posted in adoption, blog as therapy, thinking out loud, this is life by Leslie. Bookmark the permalink.

About Leslie

I'm Leslie. Wife. Mother. Missionary. In the day to day my husband and I are responsible for running Clean Water for Haiti, a humanitarian mission that builds and distributes water filters to Haitian families. Living in Haiti full time provides lots of stories, and as I tell my husband, our grandkids probably won't believe most of them. Maybe writing them down will give me some credibility.

5 thoughts on “When Blogging Becomes Therapy

  1. We’ve been in the process of adopting a child from Haiti for 28 months now. He is 10. We’ve run the entire gamut of emotions. Right now I do feel a little indifference, probably as a coping mechanism. I definitely feel frustration. Our son has been legally ours since we cleared courts at the end of May ’07. We’re still waiting for some signature from MOI so we can get a passport and a visa and bring him home. It feels like Haiti is holding our son hostage. You can go to my blog and look back at older posts that deal with adoption feelings if you think it might help. BTW, my in-laws are missionaries in the Cap Haitian area and are dealing with the same container issues that you are. Amy

  2. Ah, the container. Yes you will be excited again! :)So glad things are moving along about the vehicle, the air conditioning will help Chris lessen the incidence of his attacks. I have added my prayers to those of the others who are surely praying. I prayed for God to give you all the things you need to pass through this time and for your excitement to return. God knows what you need and that is good. Blessings Barb J :)

  3. I remember all those emotions with our adoptions as well. I sure wished I had a “due date” then too. We will be praying for you.

  4. Having adopted from Haiti, and watching friend go through the same process, I’ve developed a theory. Yeah, the baby will show up on your doorstep only when you are indifferent and beginning to think about your life without her. Crazy, eh?That just seems to be the deal. Perhaps it is a good thing, the loooong wait. This way, you won’t be overly amped and generate too many high expectations for the little one.Can’t wait for your baby to arrive so I can enjoy the photos (and all the new togs you are going to make for her).Candis

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