Part of me doesn’t want to blog right now and part of me does. I’m just a jumbled bag of emotions. One that is frequently coming to the surface right now is anger. And frustration. Helplessness. Insecurity. More anger.
Nothing has happened in the last few days. It’s so incredibly hard to sit tight and just wait. Especially when we see the people that are believed to be responsible for this whole thing still walking around the neighborhood. We’re told that the police have plans, but so far those plans haven’t amounted to much and we continue to wait. Tomorrow it’ll have been two weeks. Two weeks of seeing people going on about their business while we sit here wondering how long it’ll be before life gets back to normal for us, or if it can.
I’m angry because our peace of mind has been taken from us. I’m angry because our sense of safety has been taken from us. I’m angry because we panic every time our kid goes out the door and we can’t see her. I’m angry because I have no idea when I’ll be able to drive anywhere on my own again. I’m angry because today after my husband went to Port and I couldn’t get him on the phone I wondered if something had happened. I’m angry because every time I hear elevated voices around the neighborhood I’m bracing myself for phase two. I’m angry because we’re here trying to help people and this is what we get.
In my head I know a lot of things, but right now my head and my heart are having a hard time being on the same page. I know that some people may have a hard time with such a blatant sharing of what’s going on but right now I don’t really care. This is the reality of life for us right now. I am angry. I know that I’ll be working through these feelings over the coming days and weeks, however long it takes, but this is where I am right now. We have always believed that an important part of why we blog is to share the realities of life here. The realities are that these things happen in Haiti. Not everyone is nice or kind or friendly. In the same way that not everyone feels that the events of two weeks ago are the right way to go about doing things. Unfortunately many of those that do ruin it for the rest of the people that want to see their country develop. My heart hurts for this place right now because I want people to know that they can live a life free of fear from their neighbors, that they *should* be able to live a life like that. It doesn’t come freely though and it doesn’t happen without work.
I need to stop now. Things are going to start pouring out and it may not be pretty when they do.