My throat is feeling pretty raw right now, which, in light of the fact that we have 6 Vision Trippers arriving tomorrow, is probably not a good thing. I will be going to be early tonight and trying to sleep like a log. There may be self medication involved.
I feel like most of our my posts recently have been either fluffy, like writing about kid stuff, or about me being frustrated about adoption. Or being excited about it and then being frustrated because something else comes up. It is where we’re at though. And I hate it.
Seriously. This roller coaster and cycle is driving me nuts. Sunday we get what feels like good news. We get excited. We start making plans. Yesterday I start questioning those plans. Today we get a phone call that says someone says our dossier is not going to be able to go through as is. Swear words in my head.
We are letting people have meetings and at some point things will be okay and this whole madness will end, but the process is infuriating. The guy from our orphanage said he thinks that people started to see that our stuff was moving faster than they like it to and are now trying to slow it down. This, this is what we are dealing with.
Chris thought he had to go to Port to help straighten things out (if that’s even possible) and after he left I just found myself sitting on one of Olivia’s little Haitian chairs that was abandoned in our living room in a pile of discouragement. I shed a few tears and then did the only thing that felt like it would make a difference. At least a difference for me, because I was feeling winded once again. I prayed. It was more of me asking God when this whole thing was going to be over and apologizing for having a hard time trusting his plan for us. Just two days ago yesterday I was beaming with excitement about what I could see unfolding before me/us. So, why would I think that all of the sudden God’s plan for us had changed, that we would never be going home?
Because I have a broken heart.
I have a heart that can only be fixed by God, and because it’s already faulty it’s open to being hurt more by the world. To being beaten up and wrung through the wringer and left wondering where to put it’s hope. Or if there is even anything left to put hope in.
As I prayed I didn’t feel an overwhelming sense of peace or anything like that. I just kind of felt “there”. I did have a two year old running coming to wipe the tears off my face. One thing that was there was the knowledge that I need to keep trusting. We need to keep trusting. God does have a plan for us, and if someone thinks that people are upset that our file is moving then that says to me that God has been at work to the point where people are noticing that something is not normal. He IS in this. He is the one who is truly in control here. And one day it WILL be over.
After I got up off that little chair and went about my business Chris called to say he was on the way home because “they” (the ominous people in charge of our family’s fate right now) decided they would all get together with “our people” and figure things out. And Chris didn’t need to go right now. Up again.
Our plans that I was talking about yesterday still stand. I can say that because they are intentionally “loose” and flexible. I, honestly, didn’t share specifics because I thought that maybe if I did it would jinx it. Dumb. What we are hoping and praying for is to be home next month for our board retreat, and then to stay through until after New Years. We know we need the time away and were’ planning on going home for Christmas anyway. Since we can’t go home this month, it made no sense to go next month, for two months, then come back to Haiti and back to Canada for Christmas. So, we want to stay home. And when we shared our “plans” everyone that would be affected by it was excited for us.
As I said, they’re flexible. If we come to next month and we aren’t ready to travel, Chris will go to the board meeting. If we are very close, like a week away from being able to travel, he will go to the meeting and I will follow with Liv when things are ready. If they don’t end up being ready he’ll come back and we’ll all go home when it’s time and still stay through. We know that our adoption is in the home stretch. We know that. Something in the form of a vacation will be happening. At some point. How’s that for loose and flexible?
What I need to keep in mind is the loose and flexible part. It’s SO easy for me to see things like today and feel like all bets are off, but we have a lot of options. We can go whenever Liv is ready to go. The whole thing is open now. There are no restrictions on our travel dates. I need to rest in that and just keep plugging forward here in the mean time.
I mentioned that things, pieces, are falling into place ore making complete sense when we look at the big picture. One big concern was that Peter and Sara would be okay with us being gone a bit longer than planned and that they would be okay with possibly pushing back the start time of site #2. When we told them our plans they were excited and supportive and had been talking along the same lines together, as in wondering why we wouldn’t do that. I love it when God aligns peoples hearts before they even know what’s going on.
As Chris and I think about the things we can do as a family and for the mission while being home for an extended time we’re getting excited. On a mission front, because we haven’t been able to be home together for over two years we know that’s affected the connection people have to us and the mission. Being home, being present for a while is going to be such a good thing. We are already thinking about sharing times and fundraising things we can be doing. It’s exciting!
I know I need to stay in that place of reality, but also keep hoping for the good things. For the things that don’ t make sense. And I want to have the eyes to see God’s hand in all of that. There are more pieces and things that have happened or are in the process of happening, but those will be for other blog posts.
I’m excited about our group of Vision Trippers this next week. We have met some wonderful people through this part of what we do. It’s always fun for me to go from being that person behind the keyboard during all the prep time to finally meeting people face to face and seeing what they’re really like. I love how excited people get about what we do. The trips are always and encouraging time for us. We’ll look forward to sharing some of that here and on the CWH blog over the coming week or so.
We have some fun happening here on the blog next week while we’re busy hosting people. I’ll give you a hint – food is involved. Come back tomorrow to see what’s up.
Oh! And for those of you that love our little stories about life in the third world, we have a current cockroach death toll of about 25. In the last 36 hours. We had the guy that sprays the yard and the Craigs house for mosquitoes and other bugs come up and spray our screens and under our sink. First time in a year. And now the roaches are fleeing. We assumed that most of our bug problems were gone because we had screens. Apparently we were wrong. And our two year old has turned into our “roach watcher”. She can spot them from a mile away. Usually while she’s standing up on a chair or the couch so they can’t get her. She learned that from her father. I’m the “man” in the house when it comes to bugs. Seriously. Say it with me people… We are bigger than they are.
Thanks for being ears and eyes,