I feel like these days I’m always apologizing for the time between posts. I just, once again, looked at the calendar and realized it’s been almost two weeks since the last one went up. I don’t feel like life moves all that quickly here, but when I see something like that I guess I have to face the reality that it does to some extent.
I will admit too, that I’ve been struggling with blogging these days. I feel like all the things I want to say are just not conversations that are suitable for this space. There has been a lot going on for us this year, but because of the nature of it, and how we’re choosing to deal with it, it’s not blog material. And I feel like that’s lame, but at the same time it’s the right choice. And I’m struggling with the fact that more and more stuff is becoming less and less blog appropriate. We’ve gone through a difficult few years between the van arson, our adoption and other stuff, and because of the nature of some of those things I felt like there were things we just couldn’t talk about.
Some of it was safety related. There are certain things we just won’t talk about on here if we feel that it’s going to cause problems in that department. Some of it was because the things that we did post got used in ways that were not healthy, in a negative manner, and no amount of us sharing the truth and the ways that things had been misconstrued could change that. It sucks to have your words used against you. Some of it has just been in house stuff and this really isn’t the place to talk about it.
When you can’t say the things you want to say, it’s hard. Especially when writing is a sort of therapy. I’ll admit, there have been times where I’ve considered starting another blog, anonymously, so I could vent. Haven’t gone there yet though! One of the hardest things for me has been moving through hurt. The last few years has been full of it, from many different sources. Government and systems, cultural clashes, people from the outside, friends… Sigh. It’s hard. What I can say is that God is healing our hearts and that’s a good thing. It takes time though.
I feel like all I ever talk about on here anymore is my kids or the “this is what we did this week” type post. I know that it’s because of all the stuff I feel like I can’t talk about, and that I’m just in that season of my life. The newness of Haiti has worn off and I can only talk about the same things so often before they become boring. My kids are always amazing me, and I have lots to say about them. They’re fabulous little people and we feel so honored that God entrusted them to us.
I do have a lot of things, possible blog posts, rolling around in my head right now. Part of my problem is organizing it, and the other part is getting the time to write about it in a way that does it justice. It’s hard when I feel like I can’t think straight because someone is always needing something (have I mentioned how much I love that Olivia is in school four days a week???). I’ve been swamped with a lot of work in the last couple weeks too. Bigger projects that need my full attention. In all honesty, Chris has been playing Mr. Mom while I sit at my computer all. day. long. hacking through things.
Chris left on Friday for a 10 day trip to Wisconsin to do some fundraising and promotion. He wasn’t looking forward to being gone, and I love him for that. So far things are going well from the sounds of it. I’ll be honest, it’s hard having him away at times, but I was kind of looking forward to it because I’ve been feeling so scattered since we got back in August. It’s just the feeling of not ever quite catching up. Trying to do what needs to be done and seeing the list of other things that I need/want to do piling up as well. Add to that two kids and it gets complicated. I’m a list maker and, just to let you know where my brain has been at, I haven’t been making lists. Usually my day timer is where I dump it all and the day timer has sat under a pile of stuff. Having Chris gone for 10 days means I can catch up, reorganize, get my bearings, without having more piled on because it needs to get done. We can do it next week.
Case in point, Friday morning after I got payroll ready I attacked my closet. One thing I had to do, and one thing I wanted to do. I purged and purged and purged. I purged 3 garbage bags full of clothes – all those things that I was saving for “one day when”. I realized I felt like I was suffocating and that I hated having things fall on me when I was getting clothes for the day it was time to do something about it. Now I feel like I can breathe and I feel like my brain has more space and I’m not looking at expectations every time I walk in my closet. You *should* be wearing me. You *should* lose weight. You *should*, you *should*, you *should*. Blah, blah, blah. Whenever I have clothes to give away I always give them to Yonese. I know she’s going to pass them on to people that need them and can use them, and she does it in a way that doesn’t have people expecting it from us. When I showed her what there was on Friday she laughed and said, “It’s like a big Christmas present!” :) Others get blessed and I can now walk into my closet and like it in there.
I’ve got a nasty head cold right now, so this is where I’m going to sign off. The fact that I managed to write this in under 25 minutes is worth something. Now I’m going to shower, take some Nyquill and call it a day. And it’s only 8 pm. Just another one of the perks of not having my other half here. That and I can take up the ENTIRE bed if I want to :)